Head Games

Last weekend I was in the drug store (ostensibly to pick up some toothpaste and deodorant and certainly not just to get away from the chaos of my house) when I noticed something in the shampoo aisle that piqued my interest.  It was a man.  He was middle-aged and appeared physically strong, yet he seemed dazed, confused and maybe even just a little bit sad.  His head was cocked slightly to the left and his hand went up to his chin and stroked his beard as he squinted at the labels on the shelves.  I recognized his problem then and there:  his wife had sent him to buy hair products.

There are many jokes and urban myths about men being sent out with marching orders to pick up contraceptive foam or tampons. Most such stories include tales of inconvenient and very public "price checks" on these very sensitive items and personal embarrassment that inevitably ensues.  These are nothing, however, compared to the challenges that present when a straight man is unleashed amid a sea of complex hair products.  

Feminine products are basically divided into three categories, namely, light (crabby), medium (bitchy) and large (murderous).  Indeed, even if the product purchased is from the wrong category, whatever he does  purchase is usually useable and will do the trick until you can make it to the drug store yourself.  The same does not hold true for hair products, however.   My drug store devotes an entire aisle to hair products.  There are shampoos, conditioners, hair masks, hair moisturizers, anti-frizz treatments, gels, mousses, pomades and sprays.  Each of these are divided into several sub-categories, like shampoo for coloured hair (does she or doesn't she?), shampoos the include conditioners, medicated shampoos, shampoo that doesn't sting the eyes and conditioners to make curly hair curlier or straighter.   Then there are the price differences.  Women know instinctively that the cheaper the hair product, the crappier your hair will be.   Middle-aged guys with brush cuts,  on the other hand, don't really get this. 

Just as women should not be imposed upon to prepare food on a barbeque, I firmly believe that, with few exceptions, men should not be asked to buy hair products.  I know first hand what the results can be.  I think my father washed his hair with a bar of Zest until I was finished university and I expect that if most men had their way, there would be one - and only one - product used to clean dishes, toilets, clothes and hair.   

As for the poor man in at the drug store, he moved from reading the labels on the bottles to actually opening them and sniffing the contents.  I watch him surreptitiously, while feigning interest in coal tar shampoos.  Ultimately, he settled on a bottle of  something pink and funky-looking and headed to the cashier.   All things considered, he probably did okay.